Welcome to the Self-Love Journaling with God podcast. I'm your host, Shonda, and I am so grateful you are here with me today. This podcast is about more than just journaling. It's about doing the heart work with God as we heal, as we grow, and learn to love ourselves the way that He does, one journal page and one prayer at a time. So, my sister, today we are talking about something many of us carry quietly. We are talking about deep disappointment. Not the kind you just brush off with a little, it's okay, maybe next time. I mean the kind that sits heavy in your chest, the kind that follows you into quiet rooms, the kind of disappointment that makes you smile on the outside, but inside you are carrying grief, confusion, and questions you do not always know how to put into words. Have you ever wanted something so deeply? You prayed about it, you hoped for it, tried to stay faithful through it, and still found yourself in a season where the answer had not come. Maybe for you it's not motherhood like Hannah. Maybe it is healing, it is a relationship that did not work out. Maybe it is the disappointment of being overlooked, left out, still wanting, still waiting, still hurting, still asking God, what am I supposed to do with this ache? That kind of disappointment can do something to your heart if you are not careful. It can make you feel forgotten, it can make you question your worth, it can make you quietly wonder if something is wrong with you. And that is why I want us to sit with Hannah's story today. Because Hannah teaches us something very powerful. You can bring deep disappointment to God without hiding and without pretending. Now, her story is found in 1 Samuel, the first chapter. And so, my sister, this is not just a story about a woman waiting for a child. It is also a story about grief, longing, prayer, identity, pain, and what it looks like to pour your soul out before God when life feels painfully unresolved. So let's walk into Hannah's story here together. Now, in 1 Samuel, the first chapter, Hannah is a woman carrying a deep sorrow. She had longed for a child. Year after year, she remained barren. She remained unable to have a child. And in her culture, that pain was not private in the way that we might think of private pain now. It was visible, it was heavy. It came with shame, misunderstanding, and comparison. To make matters worse, Panina, who was El Kana's other wife, which was Hannah's husband. So Hannah's husband had two wives, Panina and Hannah. Now, Panina, she had children, while Hannah did not. Instead of showing compassion, Panina provoked Hannah repeatedly, using Hannah's unfulfilled longing as a place to wound her. That meant Hannah was not just dealing with disappointment before God, she was also dealing with comparison, humiliation, and the other pain of having her sorrow constantly brought to the surface. So, how many of us can actually really relate to Hannah here? So Hannah was not only disappointed, she was also being reminded of her disappointment. Now that part right there is really real because sometimes the hardest thing is not just the pain itself, it is how often life seems to point back to that pain. It is seeing what you hope for in someone else's hands. It is hearing other people say, just be patient when they are not carrying what you are carrying, right? It is trying to hold yourself together while something inside you keeps aching. And then we get this moment in Hannah's story that I think so many women can relate to. Now, here in 1 Samuel 1 10 it says, and she was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. Now that verse is short, but it says a lot. She was in bitterness of soul, not because she was evil or because she lacked faith, but because she was deeply hurt. She prayed and she wept hard. She cried hard. I love that the Bible does not clean her up first. It does not tell us she came with polished words and perfect composure. It shows us a woman coming to God honestly, transparent, pouring out her soul. And maybe that is where you are today. Maybe you are tired of trying to sound strong. Maybe your prayer life has felt more like sighing than speaking. Maybe you are carrying disappointment so deep that all you can do is whisper, Lord help me. I've definitely been there. And that still counts. That matters. God is not intimidated by our tears. And that leads me to the word I want us to sit with today. That word is disappointment. So if we can define disappointment, a definition of disappointment is according to the Websters, and it says it means the defeat or failure of expectation, hope, wish, desire, or intention. In other words, it is the ache you feel when what you prayed for, planned for, or deeply wanted does not unfold the way you hoped. But let's go a little deeper here. Deep disappointment is not always just about the thing you did not get. Sometimes it is about the meaning you attached to it. So hear me out here. You did not get the relationship, and now you wonder if you are unlovable. You did not get that opportunity, and now you question your value. You did not get the healing as quickly as you hoped, and now you feel discouraged in your faith. That is why disappointment can become dangerous when it starts speaking to your identity. And so, my sister, this is where Hannah's story meets your self-love journey. Because self-love, in the way we talk about it here, is not self-worship. It is learning to see yourself through the truth of God's heart. It is letting his care define you more than your pain does. And it is refusing to make your disappointment your name. So let's anchor ourselves in one verse here today. Psalm 34, verse 18. And it says, The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. This is our anchor scripture. The Lord is nigh. He is near to the broken hearted. That means when disappointment has cracked something open in you, God does not step away from that place. He draws near to it. He gets closer to you. And so, my sister, that matters because disappointment often whispers, you are alone in this. But God says, I am near. Disappointment might say, maybe you do not matter enough. But God says, I stay close to the brokenhearted. Disappointment might say, hide that pain. Keep it together. Do not let anyone see the mess. But God, He welcomes the poured-out heart. And so Hannah gives us a picture of that. So a little later in that chapter of 1 Samuel, the first chapter, Hannah is praying in the temple. She is pouring out her soul before the Lord. And so Eli the priest sees her and misunderstands her at first. He thinks something gets off, but Hannah responds in 1 Samuel 1, the 15th verse, saying, She is a woman of sorrowful spirit, and that she has poured out her soul before the Lord. And this is what she says. What a phrase here. Poured out my soul before the Lord. Not filtered, not polished, not edited for spiritual performance, she poured out. Now can I lovingly say something here to you? A lot of women, a lot of us know how to hold it together in public, but do not know how to pour it out in private with God. We carry it, we overthink it, we replay it, we numb it, we explain it away, we call it being strong. But strength is not pretending you are fine. Sometimes strength looks like honesty in the presence of God. And that is such an important part of your faith journey and your self-love journey too. Because when you keep stuffing disappointment down, it slowly turns into self-blame. You start saying things like, Maybe I'm asking for too much, or maybe this happened because of me. Maybe I'm just not enough. Maybe other women can handle this better than I can. But what God says about this issue is different. God does not shame the brokenhearted woman. He draws near to her. That's a good God. He does not measure your worth by whether your season looks fruitful to other people. Your worth was never hanging on the outcome. That is the meaningful perspective I want you to hold on to today. Just because the answer has not come yet does not mean your worth has gone down. Just sit with that for a second, though. Just because the answer has not come yet does not mean your worth has gone down. Hannah's pain was real. Her waiting was real. Her tears were real, but none of that made her less seen by God. And the same is true for you and me. Now let's make this personal. What does it look like to apply this to our lives right now? It starts with telling the truth about your disappointment. Not minimizing it, not comparing it, not rushing past it because someone else has it worse. You do not heal by pretending you are unaffected. We do not heal that way. Maybe your disappointment sounds like this. I thought I would be farther along by now. Or I thought this relationship would last. I thought if I stayed faithful, things would feel different. I thought I would feel more secure by this point in my life. I thought I would be chosen. I thought I would be healed right now. It's so many things that we thought about that has brought in us some levels of disappointment. And so, my sister, those thoughts can carry grief, but they can also carry conclusions that are not true. This is where the anchor scripture becomes practical. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart. So when your heart feels broken, the first question is not how do I hide this better? The first question becomes, how do I let God near me here? That might look like crying in prayer instead of shutting down. It might look like naming your ache and pain in your journal instead of acting like it doesn't matter. It might look like choosing not to attack yourself for being sad. It might look like saying, Lord, this hurts, and I need you near me in this exact place. And so here's an example. Let's say you keep seeing other people step into something you have been praying for. And every time it happens, you feel that sting in your chest. Your old pattern might be to smile and say, good for them, and then go home and quietly feel ashamed for being affected. But a healthier response might sound like this. Lord, glad for them, and I'm also honest that this hurts me. Please come near to my brokenhearted. Help me not turn this disappointment into a statement about my worth. Now that is emotional honesty with God right there. That is maturity and that is heart work. And so, my sister, sometimes the application is very simple and very brave. Stop agreeing with the lie your disappointment is trying to write over your life. Because disappointment likes to become a script. Like I am behind, I'm too broken, or I'm not enough. I will always be this way. God has forgotten me. But those are not the words of God over you right there. God, He comes near. God listens. God sees, God holds. God does not waste pain, even when you do not yet understand the full story. Now, as we move from application and to our journaling practice, I really want you to notice this. Hannah did not just carry sorrow silently, she brought it somewhere. She poured it out before the Lord. And so journaling can become one of the places where you do that too. Not just writing random thoughts on a page, but making space to tell the truth in God's presence. So let's ease into this together here. Maybe take a breath here. Drop your shoulders a little. Let this moment be softer than the rest of your day has been. And so I want you to grab your journal right now. And here's the journaling prompt that we're going to talk about here. Where has deep disappointment been speaking to my identity? And what do I need to pour out before the Lord? I want to kind of give you an example of what this might sound like. And of course, I want you to be hearing from God on this. Let God lead and guide. So it might sound like I feel disappointed that I am still waiting for healing in this area of my life. This disappointment has been making me feel like I am failing, like I should be stronger by now. And like maybe God is tired of me. What I need to pour out before God is my fear that this season will never change. So that's like some transparency there. It's about getting honest in God's presence. That is the kind of journaling that opens real space for God to kind of meet you. And here's a healthy perspective I want to place next to that prompt. Your disappointment may explain your pain, but it does not get to define your worth. I want you to write slowly here if you can. No pressure to sound deep. This is your journaling moment. This is not about performing. This is about pouring out. You may want to pause here and journal for a few minutes. Now, if you need a little help getting started, begin with one of these simple sentence starters. Sentence starters are good as well when you're talking about journaling. You might start with the Lord, I feel disappointed about. Or maybe this disappointment has made me think. Think about what? Or what I have not said out loud is what is it? Or I need you near me because. If you are in a season of deep disappointment, it does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you lack faith or or you are behind. It definitely does not mean God has stepped away from you. Hannah's story reminds us that God sees the woman who is weeping, crying, waiting, aching, and trying to stay tender in the middle of it all. Hannah's story reminds us that God sees the woman who is worn down by the weight, heavy with sorrow, and still reaching for him. And I just want to celebrate you for something today. That you showed up, you made space for your heart, you did not run from the hard thing. That matters more than you know. Sometimes healing is not loud. It looks like sitting with truth for a few minutes longer than you did before. Sometimes it looks like writing one honest sentence in your journal. Sometimes it looks like choosing not to call yourself worthless just because life feels disappointing right now. So, my sister, that counts. That is growth right there. So if all you take from today is this, hold on to it tightly. God is near to your broken heart, and your disappointment does not get to define who you are. And from that place, we can move gently into prayer. So, Lord, I pray for my sister here right now. You see the disappointment she carries, the ache she may not. Have fully named and the places where her heart feels tired. Your word says, The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart. So be near to her today in a real and comforting way. Help her pour out what she has been holding in and keep her from turning her pain into shame. Remind her that she is seen, she is loved, and held by you, even here, in Jesus' name. Amen. And so, my sister, before you hop off, if you are in a healing season, working on your self-love or learning how to journal with God, go ahead and follow this podcast so you don't have to hunt for it every time. And if you want a little more weekly boost, journaling tips, faith-field encouragement, and a gentle you're not alone in your inbox, come join my self-love newsletter. Check the show notes to stay connected. All the links are waiting for you right there. Thank you for spending this time with me. Remember, every open journal is an invitation for God to move. Until next time, keep rising, keep journaling, and keep becoming who God made you to be.